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Friday, February 12, 2010

"...permission to love..." ?

Feb. 2nd is the half way point between the Winter Solstice & the Vernal or Spring Equinox
the traditional mating season
thought i'd share this essay that's been sitting awhile...

ya know...
i just saw how crucial
that moment is
and has always been to me
i can get confirmationfrom someone i'm taken by
that it is
to love the other person
...permission to love...
which i can see is such a momentous threshold
to pass into it being "safe"
to reveal the depth of my true feelings
that i've been saving up
a whole life time and beyond
for " the one "
and even the possibility that " this one might be 'the one'..."
is enough to keep me (and i think everyone)
showing up and reaching out to different "the one"s
until we find "her" (or "him" for the her's)
such is the life of the romantic
no matter how weary or bleary eyed we become from the quest
we must complete the journey or die trying...

...permission to love....
how 'bout that...sounds like a title:

"permission to love, ma 'am"
picture a man on a street corner
hat in hand
asking of the passers by,''...permission to love...?"
what is really being asked
"is it alright for me to love you fully now without reservation
is it alright and safe for me to open up all the love ive been saving
for that right person
that one person i always knew had to be in the universe somewhere
that was waiting and looking for me at the the same time on some level"
we make it into all that, don't we...?
that is how i've approached every person i 've felt an attraction for my whole life
until in each instance it became apparent that she was not "her"
this is how and what i have carried everywhere
in every moment i have walked on this earth...this desire this compulsion this mating urg
the new age is a buzz about with much talk about twin flames and all that...
i've carried this energy of seeking her everywhere
in the hope that she was just around the corner...
or the next person i would meet
maybe she would be at that party, in the supermarket over by the vegetables , or in the laundry mat watching the clothes go round
sitting on a park bench or walking the long beach...
or on that path...

and then when i found "her",
finally found one another
then we
could begin...
begin to unfold and enjoy
our love
our great cosmic celestial love
that would change the world...forever

i know...
i might be a romantic...
and i couldn't be any other way...

20 years ago after going through my teens and 20's without finding "her"
i pictured myself at " the crossroads "...
i felt that i was waiting there for "her"
and after waiting there for a time
it occurred to me that
maybe she had already gone on ahead
and we would meet up ahead somewhere
and that i wouldn't if i remained at the crossroads...
so i went on ahead...
what this meant in practical terms
is i decided not to wait for her
and let life and life's opportunities pass me by
because i couldn't tell how long it would be until "she" showed up
if even in this lifetime...
in other words
i had a feeling that this might take a while...

so i began to enjoy the people that life brought to me with the tide
instead of continuing to save myself for "her"
but while i shared myself both physically and romantically with people
i kept back the core of my love
for "her"...

at a price of course...
keeping feelings frozen up inside
makes things difficult when you want to thaw them out i discovered
during the few false alarms i encountered
or manufactured out of plain desperation to find "her"
to finally see "her" even if i had to warp the other person into my image of "her" or even try to settle for someone other than "her" out of that same desperation, fatigue, blindness, or even lust
or maybe just fear that she might never show up...
yes i have tried to make many people into "her"
in my own eyes at least
and no, of course it never works...

and it wasn't all not fun...but it was all disappointing...
dis appoint ment ...the feeling of having either missed
or attending the wrong appointment
being in the wrong place...
the constant question
"am i in the right place... am i in the wrong place "she" here somewhere and i'm just not seeing her...
and why is this taking so long to find "her"...
she must be out here looking for me too,
feeling the same frustration...

yeah something like all that

so i love you
though i dont know you but what ive made you out to be in our brief sketch so far
ive learned enough on earth to know that it is good to acknowledge
that i love who i think you are and who i am making you out to be in my inner universe
and im grateful for what gift this has already been towards my truth awakening

the reason i brought up the whole crossroads thing
is that when i was at the crossroads
i got an image of what "she" looked like
drum roll please

it is the face that i see in you...

no pressure no pressure...

riding my bike on the boardwalk last night
i remembered again that old quotation
i cant remember who said something like it
but it came to me as i sped along through the chill Dec. air
listening to my breath and the wheels turning and the waves crash across the sand
as though the City of Los Angeles
didnt matter but for a moment in the blink of time the Earth knows

the difference between
the dreamer and the visionary
is that the dreamer dreams
and the visionary lives their dreams into reality...

"permission to love..."
fully, completely
and finally without reservation
that's right
without holding anything back
to be... "safe"....!?!

its the difference between
living my life today for all its wonder and opportunity
with constant gratitude for just being
making every moment count
and fully appreciating it all for what it is and can be
as im being my dreams coming true
living in anticipation of something
more important
significant and "real" happening
that i'm really waiting for cuz it will be so cool when it finally happens...

i have been blessed
to arrive at this moment
where i know what it is to live both ways...
and i gotta say
exercising the choice every day and moment
to live ones dreams into reality
there is a power
unknowable and incalculable to one who has not risked
the fall...
the devastation of total, complete, and utter failure
of ones ultimate success
the tension of promise can be felt throughout ones life
and is enough to get you out of bed in the morning
there is a point at which each failure
even total failure
becomes a golden opportunity
because you realize the key is to ask and answer
the question
what is there for me to learn from this
what is the universe working to show me through this
and when you can see things from this place
then everything that happens is feeding and speeding your overall success

success is something you feel...
and you know from all the energy that gets freed up naturally
this is between you and the universe...

just me and the universe...
so far

i heard it said the other day
"...the wrong woman can break a man
and the right woman can make a man..."
i think most men know this
deep inside
and that is why we dance the dance that we do...
unsure and insecure about our choices...
so we play either self deluded, non-committal, or a combination of the two...



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