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Monday, April 14, 2008 of the artist...

so after writing 'til 5am
i get to sleep
& get woken up by my old friend Bob
knocking on the door at 11:30 am
to say i'm gonna get a ticket
so i'm up
out the door
down the ally
turn the corner
& running up the street
in time to watch
the donut patrol
ever so casually
under my windshield wiper
my second street cleaning parking ticket this week
...good morning...
that will be $50...
would you like fries with that...?

the first ticket was when
i did a live painting performance
at an art party in downtown LA last week
& at the same time
had my bike with the bike rack still attached
& locked to it
ripped off
stolen from off the front of the car...

the good thing is my beautiful yellow bus
looks better without that pesky bike rack on the front
the thief was kind enough to leave his own broken bike
with the seat & handle bars still warm
laying on the sidewalk next to the bus...
after all what would he do with 2 bikes
must not be too greedy...
(i used it to ride around looking for the bike rack
& left it back on the if you need one
it's on the corner of Broadway & hurrmppfff )

& then find out from the woman
i'd loaned my other bike to
& asked for it back 4 months ago
that it had been stolen 3 months ago...

this was the bike that was on the front of the bus
coming back in the dark
from Burning Man last year on the 395
when i hit the deer
that was knocked into my lane
by the oncoming fresh-off-the-lot white pickup truck...
i had to drag her broken deer body still warm
out of the road so no one else would hit her...
the wheels of the bike were bent & wobbly
marked with deer medicine:

this all comes in the context of
the events of last month
when after having lived on the block
for over 10 years
out of the blue
i go out the day before street cleaning
to move the bus
& it's gone
i rode around on my bike looking for it
thinking i must have somehow forgot where i put it
i even chided myself for being so absorb in the work
that i forgot where i put my car
i finally accept the fact that it's gone
along with the suitcase of one of a kind manuscripts
& call to report it stolen...
find out they towed it from the middle of the block
for being parked in the same spot
for longer than 72 hours...
because one of my neighbors
a really nice Scottish tenor/math tutor
with a pomegranate tree in his yard
he planted 25 years ago from seed
had been complaining of
boardwalk vendors parking storage vehicles on the street

i try not to drive much
& use my bike...used my bike to get around...

$300 to the LAPD
to get back my bus...
so i can put up the artwork the next day
at AGAPE Spiritual Center
for their next 3 month artshow...

so today i wait 'til noon in a
"hey we'll leave you alone after noon on Monday" space

at 6 minutes 'til noon
the parking enforcement rolls by again
& keeps on rolling as i'm sitting in the drivers seat...

then i stroll to the boardwalk
to kinda see if there might be a space for me to set up
not that i feel like working out there any more
it has not been working on many levels for months...
after a while i had to ask what's the best use of my time
all the signs are pointing at some sort of graduation...

gotta move out in two weeks
& need to finish writing the autobiography
that i've been working on since Christmas
& as of this morning i'm finally up to the summer of '06
just a year & a half left to write about...

now i've kind of gotten my self in a pickle
it's just been confirmed that the boardwalk
as we've all come to know it
will be ending on may 10th
as it goes through yet another
in a long series of convulsions
of being screwed up
by the people that work in offices
that have no idea what makes the boardwalk work
but think they do
& have the power to work their will
& make others deal with their view of reality...
until the next convulsion...
this time it's a federal judge
who loves performers
& has given 200 spaces on the boardwalk to performance
when there are 20 performers
& 103 spaces to every one else
& there are several hundred of those depending on the season...
everything in the performance spaces must be by donation only
threat of $500 tickets for violation
(except books, CD's , & DVD's of & by the performer
so maybe if i could afford an inventory
of the 7 books i've published since Sept.
i could then make out)

so if someone comes up & wants to take your work for nothing
the judge is saying you have to give it to them...
can you say l a w s u i t...?

end of that income
not that it has been working
but no new income coming...
no new doors opening
to take care of the immediate concerns
& owing a serious chunk of change,
more than i ever have,
& two parking tickets
& new registration
& Hawaii drivers license renewal
have to move out on may 1st...
where to store all the paintings
bus needs a new battery & a tune up
& where am i going?
& with what...?

in an effort to finish the book
i've gotten into this odd time cycle
by writing all night 'til 5am
then trying to get 6-8 hours
then jumping back into it as soon as i wake up...
so i've been writing 12 to 15 hours a day
for the better part of the past 2 weeks...
before that i was writing from
when i came in from the boardwalk 5- 7pm
until 3-5 am...for 3 months...

this is the context in which i wrote the words:
"the path with heart
the true path
is beyond

over the weekend i noticed this line in my right hand
i had never seen before
this big strait-as -a -ruler line
from the nexus of lines at my lower palm to my pinky
i looked it up on the web
says the pinky is the Mercury finger
a line like that could mean issues to do with
health, commerce, &/or communications
business opportunities...
getting ones message out to the world...
i don't usually pay attentions to such things
but dang this line is like a big
"what the F*****K is that" thing i gonna live doc am i gonna live...????

so i ask a friend who is a "hand analyst"
& she confirms what it says on the web...
& that the fact that it's happening
while i'm typing the book
is the key...

so then i read this thing she writes to me
about this being all for me to get the point
or the cherry of this process...
because as i get the point of this process
then i can best share it with the world...

& it suddenly occurs to me
that i may just be doing this whole thing for my self...
that had not occurred to me...
i was thinking i was creating something of benefit
to others
but that could be a conceit...

as i came back to my room the gentle man
across the hall
apologized to me...
i had to ask for what...
& he said that he had had a relapse...
& i said at what...
he said he thought it had been hardest on me...
that he basically lock himself in his room
the past few weeks doing coke...
i said i had no idea..he was surprised i didn't notice...
not that i know this man but to say hello in the hall
he's an old rock /jazz drummer
he stays up late but then so do i...

& i thought what's the difference in a way
i have also been sequestering my self in a room
immersed in me & my life from beginning to end
top to bottom...reexamining the facts as i see them...
how odd i have been so consumed in the same way as this man
with my own little drama that i've put the world on hold
'til i'm done...recording my navel gazing...

it occurs to me how odd
what a weird coincidence
we're both responding to the same vibe
to use this time to focus
with focused blindness
our full attention on the chosen task...
ok so who influenced who...

i know the universe loves me
& is taking very good care of me
the reason i wrote that line about the true path
is that focusing on & executing the completion of this project
has been where the light is...

but then i suppose the coke addict
would say the same about getting & doing more coke...

even though i've described this process
to whomever would listen as
feeling like performing abdominal surgery on yourself
without benefit of anesthesia
your hands all up in there covered in you
as you reach around groping up in there
trying to put your bloody finger on it
grasp at it & finally & definitively grasp it
...bring it out into the light
for the world to see & take a good look at...
'til you get it all out...all of it...the heck out...
not done 'til you do...

i wrote to a friend that
"i am so far into this now
that the only way out
is through..."

but really i have felt in the moments
when i'm working on this
that i'm moving forward...
getting it done
& having it done is the yummy part
full of light...

make your own light ?

while everything else feels like it's
falling away
or just

interesting place to find oneself
wonder what comes next...

well here's another gem from the vault of davidismz
that may apply here:

"...the closer
we get
to the truth
the easier
it is
to kid

the fact that i'm meeting the challenges
& resistance
at the end of the hall...the end of the project
may mean i'm closing in on the goal...

& deluding myself at the same time...

ahh the splendid paradox

what brilliance & genius loves to squish between the toes

ahh & here we come to it
my attachment
to recognition

of brilliance & genius...

i've been seeking this my whole life
through everything i've done

yet recently when i've heard people express
that recognition
i've missed it
i haven't entirely taken it in
in part because i feel i haven't yet arrived
because if i had surely
fame & fortune
wealth & prosperity
& financial independence
would follow...
& ease lest we not forget ease...

but as i go down that list
i feel in a way
i already have all that at this very moment
i am famous & fortunate
wealthy & prosperous
& financially independent
& living in the red...
not a clue where it comes from next
as usual
yet knowing
from experience
it comes from within
& the universe
would not leave me hanging
there was some
good to it...

now if i was living in the black?
& had all my bases covered money wise
then ease
would be just multiplied
because i already feel like
i got the ease thing going on
any more laid back & i'll be laying on the ground
i would feel all confident & justified in my choices
instead of the netherworld & free fall
the queasiness & uneasiness
of unsure & insecure & self doubt
about how it all will work out
without an ouch somewhere in there...

as i look it appears i may be finding myself in retreat
while feeling like it's time to advance
but how to advance...?

oh then there's worry
the proof of the path is in it's fruits

"by their fruits ye shall know them"

i thought
if what i was doing was a good thing
it would be generating
light & wealth
not parking tickets, bills, & dead ends...

but the bottom line is
it feels so blessedly good to be letting die what needs to
right now...

worry is there & as worry will it is biting at my butt
but if there is one thing i know how to do
if there is one thing this life has taught me so far
it's how to live well
& worry too...

how to be a good worrier...(warrior? no worrier)

i got this one
step back
lemme at it...

recently i was told in an accusing way
that i was too self absorbed
this by someone i've known for 15 years
as one of the most self absorbed people
i've ever met
totally dedicated to her path
& consumed with her journey...

but in pondering the blessed accusation
examining it for merit
if one is to be the thing itself
the genuine article
how do you give your work your all
& not be self absorbed
how do you be the the work
& not be...

from my experience
the path is not even about being loved
getting love or keeping love
but being love
to complete the mission
no matter what

& the mission is life
the mission is to do what one is born to do

if that's being self absorbed
then that
would be me

life of the artist...

thank you



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